3. Relationship with Parents

My viewpoint on the reference of "parent" is probably a bit skewed. I define "parent" as someone active in my life, always there when I'm questioning decisions and need advice, that will happily drop what they are doing to have a relationship with me; whether that be over the phone, visiting, traveling, emailing, or writing letters. A parent is someone I trust and confide in, that I value and feel valuable in return.  A parent brings out the best in me and never judges my worst. Well, maybe judges, but still loves me anyway. :-)
I have several people in my life that i consider parents, or at least parental figures that have been important individuals.  They may have not biologically made me, but they have made me into who I am today, which is just as important.

We'll start with the assumable parent; my Mom. I'm lucky that I have such a supportive mother. She's always the first to be my biggest cheerleader, always there for big events, always wanting to be involved in my and Terry's life. She's so reliable and dedicated and loves me unconditionally as I love her unconditionally.
All of those great qualities really make me feel like a bad daughter sometimes however, because as wonderful and nurturing as she is to me, I keep a very safe distance between us. To say that my mom and I have had a bumpy ride is an understatement.  It's just not an easy relationship. I'm her only child, and my Mom has never been married my entire 27 years of life, so in no way am I meaning this to sound self-centered, but I am all that she has as far as a family she has built. Where things get difficult for me lies with boundaries, or lack of boundaries. The closer she wants to get, the further I push back.  I think it may have to do with growing up, but I'd probably need a shrink for that and, well, there are things higher on my priority list for shrink-talk.  We fought a lot growing up. I lived with her 90% of the time, other than seeing my Dad every other weekend.   I try my best to focus on all the good memories and good times, but the bad memories and chaos always make me apprehensive and nervous. As I've grown older, I understand more that my moms anger at me all those years was out of her control. I was/am not at fault for how she reacts to her emotions, but little nicks turn into scratches that turn into wounds over time.  I still am working on understanding this and being at peace with it. But back to boundaries, of the few people that know about this blog....my mom is not one of them.  Again, let us return to the guilty daughter statement. I don't want it to or mean it to do this, but when or if the day comes that she finds out about the blog, I think she will be very hurt. It's issues with boundaries that keeps me from nonchalantly bringing it up to her. Terry and I talk about it all from time to time and it's comforting hearing his perspective.  At the end of the day, we love each other and I am thankful for her always.  Some people don't have Mom's to love and to talk to and to be mad at and to feel guilty over.  It's not a perfect relationship, but it's unconditional.  I'll always be there for her and she'll always be there for me.

My next parent is Susan. Susan is my older brothers' Mom.  She is by far one of the best women I know. When I really sit back and take time to mull it over, it gets me choked up that she had every right to hate my existence; instead she opted to love me like one of her own.  If you've never met Susan, I think that clearly explains her character. She's wise beyond her years and a wealth of knowledge.  I always trust that she's going to give it to me straight if I'm questioning something, and she's always level headed and calm, which seems to bring me peace.  I love the time we get to share together, and I value her as a strong, independent, beautiful woman in my life. I love her dearly.

Tim and Amy Finley are parents for me. When people ask who the Finleys are, I tell them they are my second family.  Other than my older brother and sister-in-law, Tim and Amy really established for me what a happy, healthy, married couple consists of.  Their respect and adoration of one another has provided a precedent for what I want for myself in a relationship.
Where I am surrounded by strong, loyal women in my life, Tim has taken the helm on the male role-model ship. He treats me like I'm his daughter, and I just simply can't ever thank him enough for wanting me in his and his families life.  He has dealt with a lot of my crap and has always unconditionally been there to try and help me. He gives me a perspective that only a man can provide and concern and interest that shows how much he cares.  Recently, I got a letter in the mail from Tim that brought me to tears. It's the little things sometimes that mean so much. I value and love them so much.

Finally, Terry's Mom and Dad are my parents. Since the day we met they have allowed me in their lives with open arms. It's a long distance relationship unfortunately, in that we haven't had an extensive amount of time together to grow our relationship, but I always tell Deloris that we have to pack it all in with a punch, like a highly concentrated pack of tea rather than a 10-day sweating in the sun sweet tea. 
I love my phone conversations with Deloris. She fills me in here and there with beautiful little snippets of Terry that fill me with happiness. I admire his parents 40+ years of marriage as week. They have set a great example for a lasting love.

Im a very lucky woman to have the parents in my life that i do. I try to show and tell my appreciation as often as possible.

Fun Friday Night

Guess what we started into last night??

HALL BATH DEMO!!!

2. Three Fears

2. Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears
Reference Here for the Month of March 30 Things Project 

Fear 1: Clowns
Can't stand them.  Initially was going to put up a picture of a clown for this post, and even going on Google Images gave me the Heebie-Jeebies.  No idea where or how it started.  No memorable bad experience, although who knows if there was one and I blocked it out of my conscience.  Its to the point where it's hard for me to watch Cam dress up at Fizbo on Modern Family.  And he makes that clown funny.  It's still scary.

Fear 2:  Betrayal / Trust
There are some people out there that have hundreds of friends (and I'm not talking Facebook here) that they can go to for anything and talk about everything and their social calendars are filled to the hilt every week. I wish I had their magic potion, but I am just not that person. I try to be friendly with everyone, but I am also incredibly guarded when it comes to my friends.  Those who are my friends have withstood a rigorous testing ground to climb over the wall that I have up around me.  A big issue with that is a fear of betrayal.  In the same arena I guess, I have a fear of trusting someone with too much of me. Probably that same group of people as mentioned in the beginning of this explanation look at that as sad and lonely.  There's some truth to that.  But I appreciate the few very close friends so much more for it.  I enjoy the idea of giving a lot of myself to a few people than giving a little of myself to a lot of people. If I don't allow a lot of people in, I have less of a probability of being betrayed or being let down.  Ultimately, I'll always take those odds.
I have no idea where this stems from.  There's no outlandish incident of betrayal that comes to mind.  Well, I mean, I guess there are a few, but those are in my adult life, and I feel like I've always been this way.  More to think about I suppose.


Fear 3: How I am handling / have handled the issues with my Father
There's no sense in challenging myself over this month with some of these questions without being honest about some issues. In being clear with regard to my fears with this issue though, I am not regretful of my stance thus far. The continuous reinforcing actions (or lack of actions) towards the rest of my family on his part reiterates all the time that I am justified in my decisions.  Where my fears lie are moreso with how my nieces will perceive the situation when they are old enough to understand.  "Why isn't Pop-pop at such and such family function" is not something I'm looking forward to. It's easy for them to separate he and I because I live far away.  But at any event where the whole family should be there, I'm fearful this subject will come up.  I'm also fearful for when the time comes that my grandmother passes away.  I want to shield Terry from his presence. He hasn't met Terry in 5 1/2 years...no need to start now.  Finally, I am fearful of how or if this will effect me in the future. What if the 40/50/60 year old me looks back at this that I was wrong; that I was stupid.  With those, "What would you tell your 27-year old self if you could go back in time" situations, I just wish I could know that what I'm doing is ok. That this gray I'm swimming in is still inline with those seeing it in black and white. That's its not going to negatively impact my future.  That keeping the negativity out is a good thing. Fears. They're very hard.

Maybe I should have made Fear 3 about the clowns to lighten this post up a bit.  Seems a bit heavy now to end things.  Go back to the start in remembering to laugh at me the next time we are ever together and happen to encounter a clown.  I make no promises that my eyes won't be shut and my fists won't be involuntarily swinging at creepy painted faces. Blegh!

1. 25 Randoms

 
1. List 20 random facts about yourself
Reference Here for the Month of March 30 Things Project

I wrote up a similar post for this question back in 2010, only it had 25.  I'm going to revisit that list, see what I'd still definitely keep, cross through what I want to change to a new random fact, and elaborate.  Basically, lets see where my viewpoint has gone in 2 years.

Note: Black writing=2010, Red writing=2012, Cross-throughs= Want to change it to something more recently relevant

1. Cursing at things that are bothering me makes me feel better. So true. Still. Judge away.

2. I started a journal of the places I have traveled. I hope to continue filling it in until my first child gets married; I want to give it to them on their wedding day so that they can see all of the places we traveled and then they can continue it with their new journeys. Want to add more to the travel list with TBear.

3. I am far more sarcastic than necessary  You always hear the saying More Money, More Problems.  ShutYourFace! I'd really like to give it a whirl and determine that statement on my own. Thankyouverymuch.

4. I finally followed my heart instead of my head and I believe it to be the best decision I've made in my life so far. Loving my man will be the death of me.

5. All 18 years of schooling, trying to read a book was a horribly painful task; now that I'm all done school, there isn't enough time in the day for the books I want to read....just thinking about it right now makes me want to stop writing this and go read. My Book Tab is embarrassing and horribly behind (like 6 books behind at this point), but I do love to read!

6. I want my wedding ring to be a tattoo; it should be something I'm excited about telling people, but the snubbed noses from those I have told so far make me keep it to myself. I don't talk about it at all now.

7. One thing I miss very much from college is the Happy Cup; it was such a fun thing and a great conversation piece during the good times, and such a blessing and a secret savior in the bad time. Another thing I miss is Low Key (college A Capella group), or just singing in general.

8. College debt is something that burdens my mind every day; I couldn't be more jealous envious of my friends who were fortunate enough to not have this on their shoulders

9. I wish I could believe in my abilities as much as my mom believes in my abilities; I'll tell her that one day I'm so grateful for all of the strong, brave, passionate, intelligent women in my life.

10. I appreciate that I can accurately determine a persons character in the first few moments of meeting them. Still haven't been proven wrong with this one, even when I've given the benefit of the doubt.

11. My mom got a photograph of Joe Biden signed for me when I was in 1st grade; it's one of the coolest things she has gotten for me, not because he is now the Vice-president, but because my mom is a die-hard Republican. I'm a Bravo TV Addict.  All of it.  Top Chef. Housewives. WWHL. Million Dollar Listing. Bethenny(LOVE her).  On any given day, you can find at least 3 Bravo Shows on the DVR waiting to be watched.

12. Texas and St. Louis have made me appreciate the East Coast far more than I ever believed possible; I never knew how much I was taking it for-granted.  On the same note, really trying to take advantage of appreciating St Louis before we leave.

13. One of my greatest pet peeves is when I'm driving down the highway and someone has their turn-signal on in front of you and doesn't realize it is on. I attempt to pass them, but then I find myself checking in my rear view mirror to see if they still have it on or not. On the same note, in true Midwest form, biggest pet peeve is people driving UNDER the speed limit.  Yes, East Coasters, it is a real and common occurrence out here that drives (get the pun?!) me NUTS!!!

14. Now that I have my Masters Degree, I need to figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up; I know that's not how it's supposed to work but that's how it's happened. Sad that wouldn't change this fact and yet 2 years have gone by.

15. I want to travel to Australia; I promise that I will make it there one day

16. The only part of my body that I truly love is my tattoo; everything else I find flawed; I wish I could admire the flaws. I love putting together puzzles.  Call me an 80 year old woman about it, I'm ok with it.  It's so fun.  It's my Christmas Tradition, but I could do puzzles any time of the year and be excited over it.

17. Growing up, I always wanted a sister. Now that I'm all grown up, two of the most important women in my life are my sister-in-laws.

18. I absolutely love wine.  I love trying new vineyards and new years, and trying to taste the fruits, and picking out scents, and judging the color. My hunch is that I like it so much because there is such a science to good wine.  My favorite reds right now are Cabernet Sauvignon's, and whites are Chardonnays. All still true.

19. I miss the ocean

20. It's ironic that I consider myself a guys-girl, I definitely get along better with men, but the very closest friends that I have in my life are women I'm running a Half-Marathon April 15th and am STOKED about it.  It's been a great way to wrestle some stress and think through problems while running long distances. Loving it. 

21. E-A-G-L-E-S....love them, love them, love them, then, now, always

22. Absolutely in no hurry about it, but I am so excited for the day that I am a mother. I think I'm going to be an awesome mom. 

23. Tulips will always make me smile; I truly love them

24. I think the people I miss the most right now in the whole entire world are my 4 nieces. They are getting so big and I feel like I am missing out on so much of their little worlds.  I hope they realize even though I'm so far away, that I think about them everyday and wish I was there 

25. The thing got hauled to Austin and now to St. Louis...one of my goals is to re-acquaint myself with my piano. Right now, we are speaking different languages. I can't wait to garden again.  Hurry up Spring!!

The Month of March and 30 Things

Been absent for a whole week.  Life feels like it's flying by right now and I am clawing to attempt to keep up.  Will try to do better with the updates (and there sure are a lot of them...pictures are loaded, just need to write and post.)

I had a wake-up-call kind of morning with the realization that it's March.  March 2012.  We're moving in 3 months.  It's not like, "Oh we're moving to who knows where in a semi-long span of time from now"; it's more of a "It's March and we need to anticipate moving in June (maybe earlier) and finish the house and put it on the market and quit my job and move Who Knows Where Still and", well, realizing it was March was a little overwhelming this morning.

My stress is out of control.  Out of the blue I'll just start crying, or I'll just get so uncontrollably angry.  It's like I'm PMS'ing 24/7, which just isn't fun for anyone...myself included.  While most of the the stress is self-induced, I feel that it's legitimate; it's not like I'm being a drama-queened fire breathing dragon for no reason.  There's a lot of impending instability, a lot of questions that still aren't answered, and a lot of conflicting emotions about my future. 

In doing what I've become good at here recently, figuring out things to mentally escape from my stress, I wandered through Pinterest-land earlier.  I stumbled upon a blog with a relatively simple list of 30 Questions.  Some were silly and fun, while others I sat there a little dumb-founded and then a bit annoyed with myself that I couldn't answer it.  Some of these are going to make me really have to think.  Re-evaluate.  Re-align.  I think that would be very useful right now, and it's a productive mental escape if nothing else.  So, amongst the house updates and book posts and the snippets of life, I'm going to spend March answering 30 questions.  I'm not holding myself to these 30 questions, especially if any of them start to make my emotional pot boil over with questions I'm struggling with in life in general.  So if there's ever a day that the question is more along the lines of "What do you want to name your next pet?", take it as a sign to let the former question lie low for a while. Feel free to join in at any point. 

Here's the list:
1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misunderstand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope you would be remembered for.