2. Three Fears

2. Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears
Reference Here for the Month of March 30 Things Project 

Fear 1: Clowns
Can't stand them.  Initially was going to put up a picture of a clown for this post, and even going on Google Images gave me the Heebie-Jeebies.  No idea where or how it started.  No memorable bad experience, although who knows if there was one and I blocked it out of my conscience.  Its to the point where it's hard for me to watch Cam dress up at Fizbo on Modern Family.  And he makes that clown funny.  It's still scary.

Fear 2:  Betrayal / Trust
There are some people out there that have hundreds of friends (and I'm not talking Facebook here) that they can go to for anything and talk about everything and their social calendars are filled to the hilt every week. I wish I had their magic potion, but I am just not that person. I try to be friendly with everyone, but I am also incredibly guarded when it comes to my friends.  Those who are my friends have withstood a rigorous testing ground to climb over the wall that I have up around me.  A big issue with that is a fear of betrayal.  In the same arena I guess, I have a fear of trusting someone with too much of me. Probably that same group of people as mentioned in the beginning of this explanation look at that as sad and lonely.  There's some truth to that.  But I appreciate the few very close friends so much more for it.  I enjoy the idea of giving a lot of myself to a few people than giving a little of myself to a lot of people. If I don't allow a lot of people in, I have less of a probability of being betrayed or being let down.  Ultimately, I'll always take those odds.
I have no idea where this stems from.  There's no outlandish incident of betrayal that comes to mind.  Well, I mean, I guess there are a few, but those are in my adult life, and I feel like I've always been this way.  More to think about I suppose.

Fear 3: How I am handling / have handled the issues with my Father
There's no sense in challenging myself over this month with some of these questions without being honest about some issues. In being clear with regard to my fears with this issue though, I am not regretful of my stance thus far. The continuous reinforcing actions (or lack of actions) towards the rest of my family on his part reiterates all the time that I am justified in my decisions.  Where my fears lie are moreso with how my nieces will perceive the situation when they are old enough to understand.  "Why isn't Pop-pop at such and such family function" is not something I'm looking forward to. It's easy for them to separate he and I because I live far away.  But at any event where the whole family should be there, I'm fearful this subject will come up.  I'm also fearful for when the time comes that my grandmother passes away.  I want to shield Terry from his presence. He hasn't met Terry in 5 1/2 years...no need to start now.  Finally, I am fearful of how or if this will effect me in the future. What if the 40/50/60 year old me looks back at this that I was wrong; that I was stupid.  With those, "What would you tell your 27-year old self if you could go back in time" situations, I just wish I could know that what I'm doing is ok. That this gray I'm swimming in is still inline with those seeing it in black and white. That's its not going to negatively impact my future.  That keeping the negativity out is a good thing. Fears. They're very hard.

Maybe I should have made Fear 3 about the clowns to lighten this post up a bit.  Seems a bit heavy now to end things.  Go back to the start in remembering to laugh at me the next time we are ever together and happen to encounter a clown.  I make no promises that my eyes won't be shut and my fists won't be involuntarily swinging at creepy painted faces. Blegh!


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